**FOOOSH** I'm a VACUUM!

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

black hole
n. 1. An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
2. A great void; an abyss.

Yeah, I'm the second one. The first one would be cool. The second one? Not so much.

Forgive my bad mood tonight...I am tired, and disappointed, and not liking myself very much right now. Because I have no right to be anything but happy, really. You know what my problem is? I love too hard. It's almost inevitable that I end up making myself miserable, cause there's nobody that could possibly fall as far as I do. I tentatively fall in love, then rather than enjoy it, take it slow, and test the waters, I CANNONBALL in at HIGH SPEEDS!

And it's wonderful, and I am incredibly happy, or at least I would be if i wasn't a SELFISH, GREEDY, BLACK HOLE of a person. I sense things are going well, then I latch on and freaking leech any last remains of affection and love out. I'm surprised I'm not alone...I put the ones I love up on this sky-high pedestal, and then am crestfallen when they're too high for me to reach. What am I expecting? I feel so awfully guilty all the time, because I have so much and am given so much love, but I'm always wanting MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE.

10 hours? No, not enough, never enough, let me cling on, latch on, drive people away with this desperate void of NEED that roars up inside me. Like a freaking Balrog. (Do not laugh at my dorkiness. I feel this is a very good comparison, this fiery monster consuming all the oxygen inside of me...Oh please, let me have my moment of dramatics. I need it.)

I hate these moods...where no matter how wonderful everything is, I am so bratty and selfish that when I don't get one little thing, or someone says one little unexpected thing, I feel lonely and unloved. And then I LOOK at this, this selfish bitch I turn into, and I think, Wow. The world and the person I dare to call "mine" would be better off without me being this leech on their side, sucking them dry of all the goodness and love they possess to fill this black hole inside of me.

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

But this, like all things, will pass. And tomorrow, the sun will come out.

And I'll go back to loving again, it's much more in my comfort zone.