**FOOOSH** I'm a VACUUM!

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

black hole
n. 1. An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
2. A great void; an abyss.

Yeah, I'm the second one. The first one would be cool. The second one? Not so much.

Forgive my bad mood tonight...I am tired, and disappointed, and not liking myself very much right now. Because I have no right to be anything but happy, really. You know what my problem is? I love too hard. It's almost inevitable that I end up making myself miserable, cause there's nobody that could possibly fall as far as I do. I tentatively fall in love, then rather than enjoy it, take it slow, and test the waters, I CANNONBALL in at HIGH SPEEDS!

And it's wonderful, and I am incredibly happy, or at least I would be if i wasn't a SELFISH, GREEDY, BLACK HOLE of a person. I sense things are going well, then I latch on and freaking leech any last remains of affection and love out. I'm surprised I'm not alone...I put the ones I love up on this sky-high pedestal, and then am crestfallen when they're too high for me to reach. What am I expecting? I feel so awfully guilty all the time, because I have so much and am given so much love, but I'm always wanting MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE.

10 hours? No, not enough, never enough, let me cling on, latch on, drive people away with this desperate void of NEED that roars up inside me. Like a freaking Balrog. (Do not laugh at my dorkiness. I feel this is a very good comparison, this fiery monster consuming all the oxygen inside of me...Oh please, let me have my moment of dramatics. I need it.)

I hate these moods...where no matter how wonderful everything is, I am so bratty and selfish that when I don't get one little thing, or someone says one little unexpected thing, I feel lonely and unloved. And then I LOOK at this, this selfish bitch I turn into, and I think, Wow. The world and the person I dare to call "mine" would be better off without me being this leech on their side, sucking them dry of all the goodness and love they possess to fill this black hole inside of me.

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

But this, like all things, will pass. And tomorrow, the sun will come out.

And I'll go back to loving again, it's much more in my comfort zone.

A Take on one of Hamlet's (many) Soliloquies

This was an assignment for English...but I rather liked the way mine turned out. You may recognize it! ;)

To love, or not to love- that is the question:
Whether 'tis more rewarding in life to revel
In the warmth and joy of a lover’s affection
Or to avoid the ever constant dread of heartbreak,
And by never risking, forgo despair. To love- to embrace-
Is bliss; but by maintaining a wary distance, one never risks
The heartache, and the thousand possible wrongs
A lover can commit. 'Tis a circumstance
Devoutly to be feared. To adore- to worship.
To fantasize- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of dreams what hopes may come
When we have given in to love’s embrace,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes tragedy of loving too hard.
For who would bear the agony and anxiety of distance,
The misogynists scorn, the proud man's arrogance,
The blow of unrequited affection, the law's delay,
The unbearable pain of having heart parted from breast,
And thrown mercilessly to the floor, disregarded,
When she herself might never endure this torture by caring
With strictly cold passion? Yet; Who would not these perils endure,
To try patience with waiting for returned devotion,
But for that wonder and heavenly elation of love-
The divine mountain’s peak, from whose summit
No adventurer returns untouched,
And makes us rather bear those evils we flee
Than journey not into passion’s flame?
Thus fear of blazing out does make cowards of us all,
And thus the inherent light of ardor,
Is sicklied o'er with the grim shadow of doubt,
And makes three simple words so hard to say first
With regard to the chance they are turned awry.
So we fall, and break, and fall again,
Until we are caught. And this, the glowing dream,
We risk heart, soul, and existence for;
That we may one day by chance tumble into the arms
Of love that proves enduring, wondrous, encompasses all,
And that disproves all those who do not dare to dream.
Shall I take the leap?

i would much rather write than study for my english essay--oh wait...

Well, procrastination WIN. Which=studying FAIL.

Anyways, I was just sitting here TRYING to concentrate...and I got to thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know). Which is WAY more fun than Crime and Punishment, or the Stranger, as I'm sure many will concur. But something just HIT me (besides Delaney, as per normal), and I felt the need to write it down. Cause I'm a dork like that.

It’s just strange to think how MUCH I’ve changed just in the past 5 months. Even if I don’t look like it, or act like it…it’s incredibly remarkable how different I feel. I think about myself differently, I think about other people differently, I think about life differently. And the wonderful thing is, I love everything about those things so much more now. Before senior year, I really didn’t like myself. I had no confidence, I worried constantly about what others thought of me, I hated having to make decisions. But since this…great change, I’m not afraid anymore. Yes, I still freak out about scary movies, and get claustrophobic in the elevator at Haunted Mansion, and scream when I see a spider. But I’m talking about the important things. I’m not afraid of myself, and I’m not afraid of fate.

That was a big one for me, fate. I never used to believe in it, but now I can see it everywhere! Especially in retrospect. Like with choir; do you know how close I came to NOT being in choir my freshman year? I know I’ve told people before, but I don’t think I can impress upon you enough how I was very close to never experiencing it. And that’s what would have happened; I would have done ceramics, or drama, and not been quite able to find room in my schedule for choir. But I would have heard about it, and thought, “Oh, isn’t that nice?” then gone back to my life without a backward glance. It sounds ridiculously cliché and silly, but I can say with an inordinate amount of confidence that had I not chosen (as reluctantly as I did, at the time) to be a part of Mira Costa Choir at the beginning of my high school career, my life would be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, COMPLETELY different. And I would be different! Very much so! And that scares me. Knowing how close I was to not being who I am today really makes me shiver and thank fate and whatever higher force there is up there for telling little freshman me, “No, you know what? You need to take choir, hun.”

Anyways, I don’t even know where I’m going with this. My point? Well, honestly I don’t have one. Really, it just hit me all of a sudden how ridiculously…happy I am. Even when I’m temporarily upset, tired, bitchy, sad, angsty, disheartened, angry, or confused, at the core of my existence there is joy. And really, that’s all I from life right now; the ability to appreciate that feeling. And I just want to say to those cynics out there; why? Why waste time convincing yourself and others that the world is an awful place, and life sucks and then you die?

Ok, well I hope I didn’t get too sappy or “deep” (Ha, deep? Me? More like sentimental) on you. I just kind of had this realization, and had to write it down. And I feel like if I just leave it on my laptop it will consume me like a black hole of metaphysical doom, that’s all.

What I Realized in October

I can hardly believe it; everyone was right. They said I would get better, I would get over you, and I always thought, "No, never! How can I ever forget this pain? How can I ever move on?" (I know, dramatic, right?) BUT. Incredibly...I am better. I don't know when it happened. But I don't miss you with that awful, gut-wrenching pain anymore. I think I'm almost sadder that I'm getting over you and move down the path of forgetting, than I actually am that you're gone. It's weird. And complicated.

I don't know if my reactions to you are genuine, or just habit. I get hurt by the small things you do that show that you have a normal, pain-free life. Then I stop to think; why?! I owe it to myself to move on, not you. I've spent more than enough time and energy on you. And maybe it was worth it, maybe it wasn't. But all I know is that I'm done with that, I'm going to put my heart and energy into things that are good for me now.

I'm done.

No! I'm FREE!

What Happened To Me in August

I’m pretty pathetic, huh?

Well, if you’re ready to move on, I guess there’s nothing I can do about that.

Don’t you understand? I don’t care what I want. It takes two to make a relationship happen, and if you don’t want it, it can’t work anyways. I just wish I had known that you would want it to be like this, I would’ve gotten less emotionally involved.

Why did you even bother? If you had just left it as we were, back before the park, back before I was in love with you, I would’ve counted my losses, picked myself up, and dusted myself off. But no. I can’t do that now. It’s not that easy. My mind hears what you say, that you don’t want us to be together, but my stupid, stupid heart keeps looking for a loophole, or some shred of evidence that you’re lying, and you actually do care.
I wish I could pretend I didn’t care. I wish I could pretend I didn’t care.

Why?
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyand don’t say, “because I love you.” Cause I don’t trust you when you say that anymore. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to trust anyone when they say that anymore. Because “I love you” is a promise. A promise that you want to be with someone, and that they matter so much to you, and that you won’t hurt them. So when you say, “I love you”, think about it and actually mean it.

When I think about living without you
No, I can’t even talk about that. It hurts too much. I hurt too much.

I just don’t understand. I guess I never will.

Of course it’s different now, you idiot. Because I don’t trust you anymore. Because I know that I’m going to become just another ex to you in a matter of days.

You move on so easily. I’m almost glad that I don’t. Because I know that what I felt was real. Maybe that’s the difference between guys and girls; guys get a girlfriend to have an experience. Girls get a boyfriend to have a future, and love.

Or maybe it’s just you.