How can you plan for EVERYTHING?

For a while, I was trying to plan out my life so that I could do everything I ever wanted to; sing, act, dance, travel, write, teach, etc...then I realized how slightly ridiculous it is to try to do that. I mean, so many things happen that you can never possibly fathom to take into account. In the coming, unknown years of my life, there will be hundreds of epiphanies, tragedies, wonderful coincidences...it just seems easier and smarter to just remember the important things, give it all everything you've got, and let fate take the rest. things happen the way they happen, and usually they have a way of working themselves out.

I mean, being realistic, I doubt I’ll make a living in musical theater. The odds are nearly astronomical, for one, and I can think of many, many people who have committed far more time, energy, talent, and heart than i have. But I also know that if I don't give it a try, I’ll always wonder. So: I shall try! And who knows? Maybe in college I’ll suddenly fall in love with something else, do that instead, and be incredibly happy. I’m very open!

And very terrified!

i would much rather write than study for my english essay--oh wait...

Well, procrastination WIN. Which=studying FAIL.

Anyways, I was just sitting here TRYING to concentrate...and I got to thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know). Which is WAY more fun than Crime and Punishment, or the Stranger, as I'm sure many will concur. But something just HIT me (besides Delaney, as per normal), and I felt the need to write it down. Cause I'm a dork like that.

It’s just strange to think how MUCH I’ve changed just in the past 5 months. Even if I don’t look like it, or act like it…it’s incredibly remarkable how different I feel. I think about myself differently, I think about other people differently, I think about life differently. And the wonderful thing is, I love everything about those things so much more now. Before senior year, I really didn’t like myself. I had no confidence, I worried constantly about what others thought of me, I hated having to make decisions. But since this…great change, I’m not afraid anymore. Yes, I still freak out about scary movies, and get claustrophobic in the elevator at Haunted Mansion, and scream when I see a spider. But I’m talking about the important things. I’m not afraid of myself, and I’m not afraid of fate.

That was a big one for me, fate. I never used to believe in it, but now I can see it everywhere! Especially in retrospect. Like with choir; do you know how close I came to NOT being in choir my freshman year? I know I’ve told people before, but I don’t think I can impress upon you enough how I was very close to never experiencing it. And that’s what would have happened; I would have done ceramics, or drama, and not been quite able to find room in my schedule for choir. But I would have heard about it, and thought, “Oh, isn’t that nice?” then gone back to my life without a backward glance. It sounds ridiculously cliché and silly, but I can say with an inordinate amount of confidence that had I not chosen (as reluctantly as I did, at the time) to be a part of Mira Costa Choir at the beginning of my high school career, my life would be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, COMPLETELY different. And I would be different! Very much so! And that scares me. Knowing how close I was to not being who I am today really makes me shiver and thank fate and whatever higher force there is up there for telling little freshman me, “No, you know what? You need to take choir, hun.”

Anyways, I don’t even know where I’m going with this. My point? Well, honestly I don’t have one. Really, it just hit me all of a sudden how ridiculously…happy I am. Even when I’m temporarily upset, tired, bitchy, sad, angsty, disheartened, angry, or confused, at the core of my existence there is joy. And really, that’s all I from life right now; the ability to appreciate that feeling. And I just want to say to those cynics out there; why? Why waste time convincing yourself and others that the world is an awful place, and life sucks and then you die?

Ok, well I hope I didn’t get too sappy or “deep” (Ha, deep? Me? More like sentimental) on you. I just kind of had this realization, and had to write it down. And I feel like if I just leave it on my laptop it will consume me like a black hole of metaphysical doom, that’s all.