Dear Boys

Dear Boys (and certain boy),

Girls do not, will not, and have not ever liked hearing you talk about past relationships. Or people who liked you. When you do it, it only makes me feel insecure. I feel like I'm being compared to these girls who, you professed, were falling over each other trying to get to you.

This does not make me feel lucky. This does not make me feel jealous. It makes me feel sick. It makes me feel like you "could have chosen any of those girls," but aren't I lucky, you chose me. It makes me hesitant in getting too close to you, because I don't trust you as much. You told me of all these girls in your past. What if I end up one of them sooner rather than later? It doesn't give me confidence in you, or myself.

Of COURSE I know this is not your intention (or it better not be. I will hurt you :P). I'm sure it stems from some kind of insecurity of your own, where you feel the need to tell your current girlfriend your track record so she will feel like she needs to hold on to you tighter, cause she's got something good here.

As if I need other people liking you to tell me I've got something good. I don't. I like you because you're you, not because other girls like you and I feel the need to compete with them. Talking about your past is okay, and I love hearing stories, but this is getting excessive. I feel like I know way too much about your exes, and people who liked you, who I know nonetheless. I feel uncomfortable. So cut it out.

Love you <3

What Happened To Me in August

I’m pretty pathetic, huh?

Well, if you’re ready to move on, I guess there’s nothing I can do about that.

Don’t you understand? I don’t care what I want. It takes two to make a relationship happen, and if you don’t want it, it can’t work anyways. I just wish I had known that you would want it to be like this, I would’ve gotten less emotionally involved.

Why did you even bother? If you had just left it as we were, back before the park, back before I was in love with you, I would’ve counted my losses, picked myself up, and dusted myself off. But no. I can’t do that now. It’s not that easy. My mind hears what you say, that you don’t want us to be together, but my stupid, stupid heart keeps looking for a loophole, or some shred of evidence that you’re lying, and you actually do care.
I wish I could pretend I didn’t care. I wish I could pretend I didn’t care.

Why?
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyand don’t say, “because I love you.” Cause I don’t trust you when you say that anymore. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to trust anyone when they say that anymore. Because “I love you” is a promise. A promise that you want to be with someone, and that they matter so much to you, and that you won’t hurt them. So when you say, “I love you”, think about it and actually mean it.

When I think about living without you
No, I can’t even talk about that. It hurts too much. I hurt too much.

I just don’t understand. I guess I never will.

Of course it’s different now, you idiot. Because I don’t trust you anymore. Because I know that I’m going to become just another ex to you in a matter of days.

You move on so easily. I’m almost glad that I don’t. Because I know that what I felt was real. Maybe that’s the difference between guys and girls; guys get a girlfriend to have an experience. Girls get a boyfriend to have a future, and love.

Or maybe it’s just you.