**FOOOSH** I'm a VACUUM!

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

black hole
n. 1. An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
2. A great void; an abyss.

Yeah, I'm the second one. The first one would be cool. The second one? Not so much.

Forgive my bad mood tonight...I am tired, and disappointed, and not liking myself very much right now. Because I have no right to be anything but happy, really. You know what my problem is? I love too hard. It's almost inevitable that I end up making myself miserable, cause there's nobody that could possibly fall as far as I do. I tentatively fall in love, then rather than enjoy it, take it slow, and test the waters, I CANNONBALL in at HIGH SPEEDS!

And it's wonderful, and I am incredibly happy, or at least I would be if i wasn't a SELFISH, GREEDY, BLACK HOLE of a person. I sense things are going well, then I latch on and freaking leech any last remains of affection and love out. I'm surprised I'm not alone...I put the ones I love up on this sky-high pedestal, and then am crestfallen when they're too high for me to reach. What am I expecting? I feel so awfully guilty all the time, because I have so much and am given so much love, but I'm always wanting MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE.

10 hours? No, not enough, never enough, let me cling on, latch on, drive people away with this desperate void of NEED that roars up inside me. Like a freaking Balrog. (Do not laugh at my dorkiness. I feel this is a very good comparison, this fiery monster consuming all the oxygen inside of me...Oh please, let me have my moment of dramatics. I need it.)

I hate these moods...where no matter how wonderful everything is, I am so bratty and selfish that when I don't get one little thing, or someone says one little unexpected thing, I feel lonely and unloved. And then I LOOK at this, this selfish bitch I turn into, and I think, Wow. The world and the person I dare to call "mine" would be better off without me being this leech on their side, sucking them dry of all the goodness and love they possess to fill this black hole inside of me.

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

But this, like all things, will pass. And tomorrow, the sun will come out.

And I'll go back to loving again, it's much more in my comfort zone.

late night (or early morning) ponderings

So, it seems I have awoken at the wonderful hour of 4:00am, and I am unable to fall back to sleep.

You know, why do they call it "falling" asleep? It seems like a scary thing, like you're tumbling into some kind of abyss that you can't escape til somehing else pulls you from it, like a dream, or the sun coming in through the window, or your really obnoxious alarm clock hat forcibly drags you kicking and screaming out of a really great fantasy (oh shut up, not THAT kind of fantasy >.<). it seems like it would be such a scary thing, to let your subconscious completely take over your brain and your body, even your imagination. In sleeping, your darkest, randomest, most wonderful, and more completely bizarre thoughts are dragged out for you to see and either immerse yourself in or shrink from. You seem completely powerless over yourself.

And yet, sleep is something we all need, we all do, and we all mourn the loss of during the school year. Mabye it's because there's really good dreams thrown in there make it worth it. Maybe it's something as boring as human biology; we physically need to sleep. Or maybe it's that in sleeping, we dream, and dreams tell us what we need to know, whether we like it or not. True, some dreams tell us in the most twisted of ways; of COURSE I don't want or need all my teeth to fall out, or to accidentally forget to wear a shirt, or for a tsunami to come wipe out California. But I do believe that, just like everything happens for a reason, everyhing we dream has a purpose.

Ok, so I have no clue if any of that made any sense whatsoever, with it being nearly five now, and it was hard to type all that on my itouch, but maybe I'll be able to sleep now...?

[side note: this was on my computer, but I didn't post it til just now...]