**FOOOSH** I'm a VACUUM!

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

black hole
n. 1. An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
2. A great void; an abyss.

Yeah, I'm the second one. The first one would be cool. The second one? Not so much.

Forgive my bad mood tonight...I am tired, and disappointed, and not liking myself very much right now. Because I have no right to be anything but happy, really. You know what my problem is? I love too hard. It's almost inevitable that I end up making myself miserable, cause there's nobody that could possibly fall as far as I do. I tentatively fall in love, then rather than enjoy it, take it slow, and test the waters, I CANNONBALL in at HIGH SPEEDS!

And it's wonderful, and I am incredibly happy, or at least I would be if i wasn't a SELFISH, GREEDY, BLACK HOLE of a person. I sense things are going well, then I latch on and freaking leech any last remains of affection and love out. I'm surprised I'm not alone...I put the ones I love up on this sky-high pedestal, and then am crestfallen when they're too high for me to reach. What am I expecting? I feel so awfully guilty all the time, because I have so much and am given so much love, but I'm always wanting MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE.

10 hours? No, not enough, never enough, let me cling on, latch on, drive people away with this desperate void of NEED that roars up inside me. Like a freaking Balrog. (Do not laugh at my dorkiness. I feel this is a very good comparison, this fiery monster consuming all the oxygen inside of me...Oh please, let me have my moment of dramatics. I need it.)

I hate these moods...where no matter how wonderful everything is, I am so bratty and selfish that when I don't get one little thing, or someone says one little unexpected thing, I feel lonely and unloved. And then I LOOK at this, this selfish bitch I turn into, and I think, Wow. The world and the person I dare to call "mine" would be better off without me being this leech on their side, sucking them dry of all the goodness and love they possess to fill this black hole inside of me.

I am in a black hole mood tonight.

But this, like all things, will pass. And tomorrow, the sun will come out.

And I'll go back to loving again, it's much more in my comfort zone.

How can you plan for EVERYTHING?

For a while, I was trying to plan out my life so that I could do everything I ever wanted to; sing, act, dance, travel, write, teach, etc...then I realized how slightly ridiculous it is to try to do that. I mean, so many things happen that you can never possibly fathom to take into account. In the coming, unknown years of my life, there will be hundreds of epiphanies, tragedies, wonderful coincidences...it just seems easier and smarter to just remember the important things, give it all everything you've got, and let fate take the rest. things happen the way they happen, and usually they have a way of working themselves out.

I mean, being realistic, I doubt I’ll make a living in musical theater. The odds are nearly astronomical, for one, and I can think of many, many people who have committed far more time, energy, talent, and heart than i have. But I also know that if I don't give it a try, I’ll always wonder. So: I shall try! And who knows? Maybe in college I’ll suddenly fall in love with something else, do that instead, and be incredibly happy. I’m very open!

And very terrified!

A Take on one of Hamlet's (many) Soliloquies

This was an assignment for English...but I rather liked the way mine turned out. You may recognize it! ;)

To love, or not to love- that is the question:
Whether 'tis more rewarding in life to revel
In the warmth and joy of a lover’s affection
Or to avoid the ever constant dread of heartbreak,
And by never risking, forgo despair. To love- to embrace-
Is bliss; but by maintaining a wary distance, one never risks
The heartache, and the thousand possible wrongs
A lover can commit. 'Tis a circumstance
Devoutly to be feared. To adore- to worship.
To fantasize- perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of dreams what hopes may come
When we have given in to love’s embrace,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes tragedy of loving too hard.
For who would bear the agony and anxiety of distance,
The misogynists scorn, the proud man's arrogance,
The blow of unrequited affection, the law's delay,
The unbearable pain of having heart parted from breast,
And thrown mercilessly to the floor, disregarded,
When she herself might never endure this torture by caring
With strictly cold passion? Yet; Who would not these perils endure,
To try patience with waiting for returned devotion,
But for that wonder and heavenly elation of love-
The divine mountain’s peak, from whose summit
No adventurer returns untouched,
And makes us rather bear those evils we flee
Than journey not into passion’s flame?
Thus fear of blazing out does make cowards of us all,
And thus the inherent light of ardor,
Is sicklied o'er with the grim shadow of doubt,
And makes three simple words so hard to say first
With regard to the chance they are turned awry.
So we fall, and break, and fall again,
Until we are caught. And this, the glowing dream,
We risk heart, soul, and existence for;
That we may one day by chance tumble into the arms
Of love that proves enduring, wondrous, encompasses all,
And that disproves all those who do not dare to dream.
Shall I take the leap?

There is Rain Today

See title.

I have always loved the rain...and it's interesting to note just how many people that's true for. I wonder what it is about the rain? It just makes things seem cleaner, and more peaceful...

Ok, so here I thought I was going to just go on about the rain, all attempting to be deep (ha.), and I get a message on Skype. Now, I haven't had Skype very long, and I don't use it very often, but it seems like a pretty awesome thing: for free, you get to talk to you friends via webcam. Yay technology!

However, I did NOT realize random people from other countries could chat you as well. Hence, this conversation:

[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: hi
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: how are you
[03/06/10] Amanda Charney: ...who are you?
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: julian
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: from uk
[03/06/10] Amanda Charney: oh. i didn't realize random people could chat me...but hi. i'm fine, how are you? :)
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: good thnx
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: how old are you
[03/06/10] Amanda Charney: i'd rather not tell you that, if you don't mind. i was raised suspicious, haha
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: ok
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: u have cam?
[03/06/10] Amanda Charney: yes...
[03/06/10] Julian11.uk: can i see you/
[03/06/10] Amanda Charney: no. goodbye. go molest someone stupider than me, please

So, you tell me; was I being smart, or obnoxious? I think I know the answer. Besides, I'd rather some random person in the UK think I was a smart ass than get molested, wouldn't you? ;)

Makes me wonder about internet safety...it's one of those dual things, ya know? Where the internet, I personally believe, is a glorious and wonderful thing, where you can keep in touch with people, talk to your awesome friends you don't usually get to see in person, and discover things from all over the world! But it's a dangerous thing too; what if someone younger and more innocent than me had gotten that same message? What if a 12 year old thought, "Oh, how cool! Someone in ENGLAND wants to talk to me!" and it all went downhill from there?

Like I said, it's a delicate balance...but really, I think if you're smart about it all, the pros outweigh the cons. I just finished video chatting with my friend who lives in another city, who I haven't seen in far too long! And I can take care of myself :)

Dear Boys

Dear Boys (and certain boy),

Girls do not, will not, and have not ever liked hearing you talk about past relationships. Or people who liked you. When you do it, it only makes me feel insecure. I feel like I'm being compared to these girls who, you professed, were falling over each other trying to get to you.

This does not make me feel lucky. This does not make me feel jealous. It makes me feel sick. It makes me feel like you "could have chosen any of those girls," but aren't I lucky, you chose me. It makes me hesitant in getting too close to you, because I don't trust you as much. You told me of all these girls in your past. What if I end up one of them sooner rather than later? It doesn't give me confidence in you, or myself.

Of COURSE I know this is not your intention (or it better not be. I will hurt you :P). I'm sure it stems from some kind of insecurity of your own, where you feel the need to tell your current girlfriend your track record so she will feel like she needs to hold on to you tighter, cause she's got something good here.

As if I need other people liking you to tell me I've got something good. I don't. I like you because you're you, not because other girls like you and I feel the need to compete with them. Talking about your past is okay, and I love hearing stories, but this is getting excessive. I feel like I know way too much about your exes, and people who liked you, who I know nonetheless. I feel uncomfortable. So cut it out.

Love you <3

Problems Abound...

I really love making people happy. It's just something that is inherently part of me, and that I genuinely enjoy. That's why it kills me when I CAN'T work out problems. I want to make things better, but I know that whatever I do, I will make someone angry or displeased.

"Yes," you say, "That's what happens when you try to make everyone happy! It can't be done!" I know, I know. But I can't help trying.

I guess that's it. I'm just so frustrated right now, and stressed out...I want things to go back to the way they were. Before I felt responsible for the well-being of an entire choir of 32 people.

i would much rather write than study for my english essay--oh wait...

Well, procrastination WIN. Which=studying FAIL.

Anyways, I was just sitting here TRYING to concentrate...and I got to thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know). Which is WAY more fun than Crime and Punishment, or the Stranger, as I'm sure many will concur. But something just HIT me (besides Delaney, as per normal), and I felt the need to write it down. Cause I'm a dork like that.

It’s just strange to think how MUCH I’ve changed just in the past 5 months. Even if I don’t look like it, or act like it…it’s incredibly remarkable how different I feel. I think about myself differently, I think about other people differently, I think about life differently. And the wonderful thing is, I love everything about those things so much more now. Before senior year, I really didn’t like myself. I had no confidence, I worried constantly about what others thought of me, I hated having to make decisions. But since this…great change, I’m not afraid anymore. Yes, I still freak out about scary movies, and get claustrophobic in the elevator at Haunted Mansion, and scream when I see a spider. But I’m talking about the important things. I’m not afraid of myself, and I’m not afraid of fate.

That was a big one for me, fate. I never used to believe in it, but now I can see it everywhere! Especially in retrospect. Like with choir; do you know how close I came to NOT being in choir my freshman year? I know I’ve told people before, but I don’t think I can impress upon you enough how I was very close to never experiencing it. And that’s what would have happened; I would have done ceramics, or drama, and not been quite able to find room in my schedule for choir. But I would have heard about it, and thought, “Oh, isn’t that nice?” then gone back to my life without a backward glance. It sounds ridiculously cliché and silly, but I can say with an inordinate amount of confidence that had I not chosen (as reluctantly as I did, at the time) to be a part of Mira Costa Choir at the beginning of my high school career, my life would be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, COMPLETELY different. And I would be different! Very much so! And that scares me. Knowing how close I was to not being who I am today really makes me shiver and thank fate and whatever higher force there is up there for telling little freshman me, “No, you know what? You need to take choir, hun.”

Anyways, I don’t even know where I’m going with this. My point? Well, honestly I don’t have one. Really, it just hit me all of a sudden how ridiculously…happy I am. Even when I’m temporarily upset, tired, bitchy, sad, angsty, disheartened, angry, or confused, at the core of my existence there is joy. And really, that’s all I from life right now; the ability to appreciate that feeling. And I just want to say to those cynics out there; why? Why waste time convincing yourself and others that the world is an awful place, and life sucks and then you die?

Ok, well I hope I didn’t get too sappy or “deep” (Ha, deep? Me? More like sentimental) on you. I just kind of had this realization, and had to write it down. And I feel like if I just leave it on my laptop it will consume me like a black hole of metaphysical doom, that’s all.