i would much rather write than study for my english essay--oh wait...

Well, procrastination WIN. Which=studying FAIL.

Anyways, I was just sitting here TRYING to concentrate...and I got to thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know). Which is WAY more fun than Crime and Punishment, or the Stranger, as I'm sure many will concur. But something just HIT me (besides Delaney, as per normal), and I felt the need to write it down. Cause I'm a dork like that.

It’s just strange to think how MUCH I’ve changed just in the past 5 months. Even if I don’t look like it, or act like it…it’s incredibly remarkable how different I feel. I think about myself differently, I think about other people differently, I think about life differently. And the wonderful thing is, I love everything about those things so much more now. Before senior year, I really didn’t like myself. I had no confidence, I worried constantly about what others thought of me, I hated having to make decisions. But since this…great change, I’m not afraid anymore. Yes, I still freak out about scary movies, and get claustrophobic in the elevator at Haunted Mansion, and scream when I see a spider. But I’m talking about the important things. I’m not afraid of myself, and I’m not afraid of fate.

That was a big one for me, fate. I never used to believe in it, but now I can see it everywhere! Especially in retrospect. Like with choir; do you know how close I came to NOT being in choir my freshman year? I know I’ve told people before, but I don’t think I can impress upon you enough how I was very close to never experiencing it. And that’s what would have happened; I would have done ceramics, or drama, and not been quite able to find room in my schedule for choir. But I would have heard about it, and thought, “Oh, isn’t that nice?” then gone back to my life without a backward glance. It sounds ridiculously cliché and silly, but I can say with an inordinate amount of confidence that had I not chosen (as reluctantly as I did, at the time) to be a part of Mira Costa Choir at the beginning of my high school career, my life would be ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, COMPLETELY different. And I would be different! Very much so! And that scares me. Knowing how close I was to not being who I am today really makes me shiver and thank fate and whatever higher force there is up there for telling little freshman me, “No, you know what? You need to take choir, hun.”

Anyways, I don’t even know where I’m going with this. My point? Well, honestly I don’t have one. Really, it just hit me all of a sudden how ridiculously…happy I am. Even when I’m temporarily upset, tired, bitchy, sad, angsty, disheartened, angry, or confused, at the core of my existence there is joy. And really, that’s all I from life right now; the ability to appreciate that feeling. And I just want to say to those cynics out there; why? Why waste time convincing yourself and others that the world is an awful place, and life sucks and then you die?

Ok, well I hope I didn’t get too sappy or “deep” (Ha, deep? Me? More like sentimental) on you. I just kind of had this realization, and had to write it down. And I feel like if I just leave it on my laptop it will consume me like a black hole of metaphysical doom, that’s all.

just a side note about all this nonsense

SO! Once upon a time, a girl named Amanda had a blog. Then she got really busy, and didn't blog for a while. Then she found that she'd completely forgotten what the heck her username and password were. THEN she returned to the site to figure it all out, only to find that it was all totally different cause Google took over and changed it all.

Literally, story of my life. ANYWAYS, here's the new one! Don't get scared off by all that emo breakup stuff, I was having a hard time then. But now, I'm back to being my infinitely optimistic, sunny self! YAY!

So, I don't know who you are, or if ANYONE is going to read all this schtuff anyways. But I'm doing it for me, and that's really what counts.

And now, I have an English final to procrastinate-I mean, prepare for. Laters!

What I Realized in October

I can hardly believe it; everyone was right. They said I would get better, I would get over you, and I always thought, "No, never! How can I ever forget this pain? How can I ever move on?" (I know, dramatic, right?) BUT. Incredibly...I am better. I don't know when it happened. But I don't miss you with that awful, gut-wrenching pain anymore. I think I'm almost sadder that I'm getting over you and move down the path of forgetting, than I actually am that you're gone. It's weird. And complicated.

I don't know if my reactions to you are genuine, or just habit. I get hurt by the small things you do that show that you have a normal, pain-free life. Then I stop to think; why?! I owe it to myself to move on, not you. I've spent more than enough time and energy on you. And maybe it was worth it, maybe it wasn't. But all I know is that I'm done with that, I'm going to put my heart and energy into things that are good for me now.

I'm done.

No! I'm FREE!

What Happened To Me in August

I’m pretty pathetic, huh?

Well, if you’re ready to move on, I guess there’s nothing I can do about that.

Don’t you understand? I don’t care what I want. It takes two to make a relationship happen, and if you don’t want it, it can’t work anyways. I just wish I had known that you would want it to be like this, I would’ve gotten less emotionally involved.

Why did you even bother? If you had just left it as we were, back before the park, back before I was in love with you, I would’ve counted my losses, picked myself up, and dusted myself off. But no. I can’t do that now. It’s not that easy. My mind hears what you say, that you don’t want us to be together, but my stupid, stupid heart keeps looking for a loophole, or some shred of evidence that you’re lying, and you actually do care.
I wish I could pretend I didn’t care. I wish I could pretend I didn’t care.

Why?
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyand don’t say, “because I love you.” Cause I don’t trust you when you say that anymore. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to trust anyone when they say that anymore. Because “I love you” is a promise. A promise that you want to be with someone, and that they matter so much to you, and that you won’t hurt them. So when you say, “I love you”, think about it and actually mean it.

When I think about living without you
No, I can’t even talk about that. It hurts too much. I hurt too much.

I just don’t understand. I guess I never will.

Of course it’s different now, you idiot. Because I don’t trust you anymore. Because I know that I’m going to become just another ex to you in a matter of days.

You move on so easily. I’m almost glad that I don’t. Because I know that what I felt was real. Maybe that’s the difference between guys and girls; guys get a girlfriend to have an experience. Girls get a boyfriend to have a future, and love.

Or maybe it’s just you.

late night (or early morning) ponderings

So, it seems I have awoken at the wonderful hour of 4:00am, and I am unable to fall back to sleep.

You know, why do they call it "falling" asleep? It seems like a scary thing, like you're tumbling into some kind of abyss that you can't escape til somehing else pulls you from it, like a dream, or the sun coming in through the window, or your really obnoxious alarm clock hat forcibly drags you kicking and screaming out of a really great fantasy (oh shut up, not THAT kind of fantasy >.<). it seems like it would be such a scary thing, to let your subconscious completely take over your brain and your body, even your imagination. In sleeping, your darkest, randomest, most wonderful, and more completely bizarre thoughts are dragged out for you to see and either immerse yourself in or shrink from. You seem completely powerless over yourself.

And yet, sleep is something we all need, we all do, and we all mourn the loss of during the school year. Mabye it's because there's really good dreams thrown in there make it worth it. Maybe it's something as boring as human biology; we physically need to sleep. Or maybe it's that in sleeping, we dream, and dreams tell us what we need to know, whether we like it or not. True, some dreams tell us in the most twisted of ways; of COURSE I don't want or need all my teeth to fall out, or to accidentally forget to wear a shirt, or for a tsunami to come wipe out California. But I do believe that, just like everything happens for a reason, everyhing we dream has a purpose.

Ok, so I have no clue if any of that made any sense whatsoever, with it being nearly five now, and it was hard to type all that on my itouch, but maybe I'll be able to sleep now...?

[side note: this was on my computer, but I didn't post it til just now...]